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Alana D'Ambrosio Alana D'Ambrosio

The "No" vs. "Yes" Voice: How Childhood Messages Shape Your Relationships Today

Have you ever found yourself reacting strongly to a small comment from your partner? Or doubting yourself in relationships without fully understanding why?

Often, the way we respond in adult relationships is connected to the emotional messages we absorbed early in life. One subtle but powerful influence is the balance of "No" vs. "Yes" messages we received as children.

What Are "No" and "Yes" Messages?

  • "No" messages are not just the word "no." They include all the critical, shaming, or discouraging messages we hear in both words and tone.
    → Don’t do that.
    → You’re too sensitive.
    → That’s not good enough.

  • "Yes" messages are affirming, encouraging words that build a sense of worth and possibility.
    → I believe in you.
    → You can try.
    → You matter.

The Research

One of the most well-known studies on early language exposure is the Hart & Risley study, Meaningful Differences in the Everyday Experience of Young American Children (1995). Their research showed that by age 4, children from lower-income families had heard 125,000 more prohibitions than affirmations, a staggering imbalance that can affect how a child comes to see themselves and others.

More recent research using LENA (Language Environment Analysis) technology supports this finding. In many home environments, children hear far more prohibitions than affirmations, especially in toddler years when boundary-setting is frequent.

While some "No" is necessary to create safe limits, the overall tone of our environment, whether the emotional climate is encouraging or discouraging, helps shape what psychologists call our internal working models of self and others (Bowlby, Attachment and Loss).

Why It Matters in Adult Relationships

If the "No" voice was dominant in your early life, you may now find that:

  • You’re quick to self-criticize when things go wrong

  • You expect rejection or criticism from your partner

  • You struggle to trust positive feedback

  • You feel anxious about expressing your needs or emotions

When both partners in a relationship carry these patterns, it can create painful cycles of misunderstanding, withdrawal, or conflict, even when love and commitment are present.

The Science of Positive-to-Negative Interactions

This dynamic isn’t just about childhood, it plays out powerfully in adult relationships.

Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that thriving couples maintain a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction during conflict conversations, and even higher ratios during everyday interactions.

Couples whose relational patterns mirror the imbalance of too many “No” experiences (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) over “Yes” experiences (validation, appreciation, encouragement, curiosity) are more likely to experience disconnection and conflict.

In other words: the emotional tone of your relationship, like the one you absorbed as a child, still powerfully shapes your connection with your partner today.

In Therapy, I Often See:

  • Individuals with a tendency toward an anxious attachment style who protest or cling when they sense rejection, possibly shaped by an early "No" heavy environment.

  • Individuals with a a tendency toward an avoidant style who struggle to trust connection or express vulnerable feelings, possibly linked to a lack of affirming "Yes" messages early in life.

  • Couples where both partners’ old patterns clash, leaving both feeling unseen and misunderstood.

The Good News: You Can Re-Author Your Story

Becoming aware of these old voices is a powerful first step. Therapy can help people to:

  • Identify the "No" and "Yes" messages they carry.

  • Recognize when the old "No" voice is influencing current interactions.

  • Strengthen the inner "Yes" voice so that new patterns of connection can emerge.

  • Create a more supportive, responsive dynamic with their partner.

When couples and individuals begin to shift these patterns, it often leads to greater self-compassion, more authentic connection, and more resilient relationships.

Ready to Explore Your Story?

If you recognize yourself in this post, if you’re curious about how early messages might be shaping your relationships today, I would love to support you on a journey to growth.

At Relational Growth Therapy, I work with couples, families, and individuals to help them move beyond old relational patterns and toward deeper trust, connection, and hope.

Schedule a free consultation today and let’s explore what’s possible.

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Alana D'Ambrosio Alana D'Ambrosio

Are you apologizing wrong? The difference between a connecting and disconnecting apology.

Why knowing the formula for apologizing in a connecting way is an important component of happy partnerships and essential to relationship repairs.

A typical conversation I hear in my couples therapy sessions:

“I told her I was sorry!”

“It wasn’t a real apology, he was just saying sorry to end the fight, he isn’t actually sorry for anything, he still thinks it is my fault”

“Nothing is good enough for you, why did I even bother apologizing”

Does this frustrating conversation sound familiar?

One of the key concepts we explore in therapy is the idea of taking responsibility for your part in a conflict. When each partner hears their partner identify and apologize for their part in a disagreement the apology feels different.

Read the apology below and then close your eyes and picture someone in your life apologizing in this way. How does the apology feel?

“I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, but when I saw you on your phone at dinner it made me angry”

Now read the apology below and then close your eyes and picture someone in your life apologizing in this way. How does the apology feel?

“I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, I had a long frustrating day at work and was looking forward to connecting with you. I’ll work on doing better at letting you know when I need uninterrupted connection”

My guess is these two apologies FEEL very different.

Did the first one bring up feelings of anger and defensiveness, maybe you wanted to walk away from this person?

Did the second one feel respectful and connecting, maybe you wanted to give this person a hug? Maybe you even thought about apologizing as well?

The difference in the two apologies is simple in concept:

Apology 1: There was a “but” included that negated the apology and actually put the blame on the partner, the “but” suggests “YOU, are responsible for my behavior” This apology might be a sign of being stuck in a cycle of criticism and defensiveness in the relationship.

Apology 2: Took responsibility, it suggests “I am responsible for my behavior”. This apology might be a sign of being on the same team even in moments of conflict!

However a connecting apology can be hard to execute:

Most people didn’t grow up hearing their parents apologize and if they did it was often a “but” apology. Due to the lack of experience we don’t know how connecting it can feel to give and receive an apology that takes responsibility.

The Basic Formula

I apologize + insert unwanted behavior

“I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight

There are times when we are not able to quickly identify what led to the unwanted behavior or how we want to change, in those cases the above apology is a great start. Just DO NOT insert a “but”.

Other times we are able to reflect and an even better apology can be offered.

The Even Better Formula

I apologize + insert unwanted behavior + insert what was going on with YOU

“I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, I had a long frustrating day at work and was looking forward to connecting with you.”

And sometimes we are really in touch with our inner world and can offer an expert apology.

The Expert Formula

I apologize + insert unwanted behavior + insert what was going on with YOU + insert intention to change and/or relationship need

 “I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, I had a long frustrating day at work and was looking forward to connecting with you. I’ll work on doing better at letting you know when I need uninterrupted connection”

Offering a connecting apology might result in a wild anomaly I call a dual apology!

Yes, your partner, kid, friend, might also accept their part in the conflict and apologize back to you! Wild, I know!

A dual apology conversation might look like this:

P1: “I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, I had a long frustrating day at work and was looking forward to connecting with you. I’ll work on doing better at letting you know when I need uninterrupted connection”

P2: “Thank you for apologizing. I’m sorry for being on my phone at dinner, I’m working on disconnecting from work when I get home and still finding it challenging. I want to connect with you also. Can we hug it out and start over?” 

P1: “Yes!”

Partners Engage in a Long Connecting Hug

P1: “Do you think maybe we should bring this up in couples therapy next week? It seems like we keep getting in arguments over phone use?”

P2: “That’s a great idea, it does seem like a reoccurring topic.”

If exploring disconnecting patterns of communication is something you are interested in please reach out for a free consultation.

Couples and Family Therapy 101 The Formula for a Connecting Apology
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